


You Said You'd Never Leave

by Random_Fandom_writer



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Anxiety, Break Up, Evan Hansen Has Issues, Fluff and Angst, How Do I Tag, M/M, Out of Character Connor, Sad Ending, Soft Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Still mainly angst though, Yes I attempted at writing fluff for once, blame Evan's dad for how sad he is, probably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-15
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-06-27 07:23:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19786030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Random_Fandom_writer/pseuds/Random_Fandom_writer
Summary: He said he’d never leave him, yet look how that turned out.Or...Connor is the one who lies and Evan is afraid of being alone.





	You Said You'd Never Leave

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to get something out earlier but I was busy for the first couple weeks of July. I will be busy for the next two weeks as well so sorry about that. 
> 
> Also, I'm kinda mad because I was so busy that two of my unposted drafts were deleted before I could finish them. The first one was really big and I lost it all, the second one which I was able to restore was worthless so...
> 
> Trigger Warnings: Swearing, anxiety, abandonment issues

There's more than one way to lie, Evan would know.

First there's the small white lies, like ' _of course I defrosted the chicken from the freezer,'_ and _'I’m so sorry, I forgot my homework at home.'_

Then there are the not so small lies. The ones that you always seem to be on the receiving end of. The ones that leave you empty, and cold, and confused above all else because ' _nonono this isn’t how it goes, it's not supposed to turn out like that."_

There are the ones where it feels like that lie is every part of you. Constantly consuming and eating you alive every minute of every hour until there is nothing left but a hollow shell of what used to be.

It was too good to be true, Evan knew that from the start. Although he had hoped it would last longer. That the lie would remain ignited for just a little while more. That’s all. That’s all he asked for. To play pretend for ~~a few more days, weeks, months,~~ as long as it took. As long as it took for him to feel a little less bad inside. 

***

It had worked.

It had worked for a bit, for a while Connor was enough. Enough to quiet the noises in his head, enough to lessen the pain present in his chest. For a while he was enough. 

Enough for Evan. 

Things don’t work that way all the time though. 

Because soon he wasn’t enough. 

* * *

It doesn’t take long for the mental illness to catch up. It always does. 

Who knew repression does more harm then good?

***

Of course he’d never bring Connor into all that. No, Connor had his own problems to deal with, much more important problems. 

So Evan would break down in silence and solitude. 

* * *

Apparently such secrets aren’t something one is supposed to hide from ones partner. 

***

“Why didn’t you tell me?” It feels more like an interrogation rather than soft words of comfort. 

“You have- you have your own- I didn’t want to bother you with- um.” He burrows his face deeper into the others chest, cringing at the fact that he’s probably ruined his shirt with snot and tears. “With-with all this- this mess that I am.” 

He softens his voice as he looks down at the broken boy hugging his waist. “You know I’m not gonna leave you right?” 

Eight words. Eights words was all it took to turn Evan’s world upside down, because he doesn’t think Connor knows the intensity to which those words impact him. How he says it simply and plain, like that’s all there is to it, and now he’s holding back another onslaught of tears because Evan can’t remember the last time someone said that to him, if they did at all. Yet he doesn’t stop there. 

“I’m not gonna leave Evan, you don’t have to hide anything from me. I’m not scared or disgusted, or any of the other shit you’re thinking.” He guided his chin upwards. “There’s that pretty face.” Connor smiled, looking down into his eyes. 

“Mm not pretty,” he slurred, grimacing slightly. 

“Yes you are. You with your little freckles, and chubby cheeks-“

“I don’t like my freckles. Or my cheeks, they’re too puffy.” He frowned wiping wet tears from under his eyes. 

“Well I do. I think they’re adorable.” He chuckled as the other blushed, burying his head back into his chest. “Look at me.” He shook his head, hiding his face completely. “I’m just gonna keep complimenting you until I see you smile.”

“No.”

“Yes.” He laughed wearily, smiling fondly at the boy. “I love your eyes, and I know you think that brown is boring but it’s not. Not to me anyways.” He paused to glance at Evan, noting the slight hitch in his breathing. Wow, Connor needed to compliment him more often. “I love your hair. It’s soft and kinda blondish brown and it’s really soft, did I say that yet? God I love your hair. And eyes. And body.” He earned a squeak from that. “Hit a nerve did I?” 

“No.”

“I think I did. Should I continue?”

_“No.”_

“I love your body so fucking much. Like, you hide it under those big and baggy polos and it makes me kinda mad because I never get to see your ass-“ a muffled cry of indignance. “And your legs. Like, I know you say you don’t work out but come on. How else could you-“

“Okokokok stop it, I’ll smile, I’ll smile for you.” He jolted his head up, face hot and beet red. 

“Are you sure? I could keep going, there’s a lot more I’m willing to-“

“No, god please no don’t.” He waved his hands frantically a small giggle escaping him. 

“Was that a giggle? Fuck, how can you get any more adorable?”

“Stop, please I’m smiling, see? Smiling.” Evan was, in fact, giving Connor a toothy, over exaggerated grin. 

“There we go.” He grinned back before hugging him closer and pressing a kiss to the nearest piece of exposed skin he could find. 

The two fell silent for a while, remaining curled up together in the corner of Evan’s room. 

Surprisingly it was Evan who broke the silence. 

“Did um... Did you mean it?” At Connors confused look he continued. “When you said you wouldn’t um... Wouldn’t leave me.” 

“Of course I did. I meant all of it, everything I said.”

A dubious exhale followed by a hesitant whisper. “... Promise?”

“I promise.”

* * *

Still, words were left unspoken. Insecurities hidden. He can’t tell him everything. Not yet. Not with the still present fear that Connor would finally snap and stop putting up with him and his shit.

Not yet.

So he continued to hide the worst bits of him.

* * *

"I'm worried about you."

"What, why?"

"You just... Seem a little off today." He shuffled his feet, running a hand through straggly hair. "You can tell me if it's getting bad again. I want to help." 

Every part of Evan was aching to yell out ' _yes, please, I can't do this on my own, please help me.'_

He couldn't.

Because that would be selfish right? That would mean him putting his needs above Connor's and _oh god,_ did he even ask him how _he_ was doing today? And now he'll think he never cared about him, and he'd give up on him and _leave,_ and then-

And then Evan would be alone.

"Yeah I'm- _tired_ , I'm just tired. You? Are you... You ok?"

He frowned, eyes shining with concern. "Yeah I'm- I'm ok too."

He dropped it after that.

Evan doesn't know if it's because he cares about his boundaries or because he doesn't care enough to push.

* * *

He wants to reach out, he really does, but he knows he doesn't deserve Connor, and one wrong move could send him running.

Maybe that's the anxiety talking.

* * *

"Ev-"

"Leave me the _fuck_ alone ok? I said I didn't want to talk about it."

The brunet took a defensive step backwards, eyes turning from soft to cold. "Fine."

And he left, closing the door with a slam.

Evan can't seem to make up his fucking mind can he?

***

"I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have left."

"I shouldn't have told you to in the first place."

* * *

So maybe that one was his fault.

That doesn't mean it stopped the panic attack that overtook him minutes after hearing the door shut, because doesn't that exactly prove his point?

How easy it would be for Connor to walk out on him.

One day he wont show up back at the house the next morning. He wont bite his lip and apologize for being too confronting. One day Evan wont be there to rebuttal his apology with one of his own because _'It was my fault anyway, don't apologize for trying to look out for me.'_

One day.

But not today. Not yet.

* * *

"I can't do this anymore."

"What?"

"I can't- Ev. You never- this isn't healthy for either of us."

"Wh..." The blond trailed off, frantically shaking his head. ' _N_ _onono what- what does that mean? Why isn't it healthy?'_

Connor let out a small sigh. "Listen, I'm only asking this because I need to know." He nodded, urging him on. "Are you afraid of me?" He said it with resignation, as if he'd already accepted the answer for what it was.

Evan wanted to cry.

"Because it _seems_ like you are." His tone shifted from defeated to defensive. "You never _talk_ to me Evan. About _anything._ It's like you're _walking on eggshells_ around me. You've even started to fucking stutter again while talking to me."

"No, it's- I'm not scared of you."

Because he's not, he's not scared of him. He could never be scared of Connor. Because Connor is safe, and soft, and warm, and he loves Evan for who he is, and he puts up with him, and shows him nothing but kindness, and...

And Connor loves him.

And he loves Connor.

The only thing that he is really afraid of is losing that.

_"Then what is it?"_

And maybe it's the way he hesitates. The way he stands there with his mouth hanging open, eyes wide with distress. Maybe it's the way he splutters helplessly, trying desperately to come up with a response.

Maybe it's the way that Evan can't seem to come up with a valid defense quick enough that Connor gives up.

He deflates.

"You know, I really tried to help you. To make _us_ work."

* * *

He said he’d never leave him, yet look how that turned out. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm exhausted my dudes, I hope this is coherent.
> 
> Connor isn't an angry boy in this because I like to believe that he learned to be careful with Evan and to monitor his volume and tone because he's probably made him burst into tears a couple times just by breathing at him in an "angry" way.


End file.
